I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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