Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
