I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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