Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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