Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
