Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
