i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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