Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
