listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
