I think I won the penis lottery.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
