If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
