Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
