Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
