Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
