Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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