put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
