Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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