Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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