I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
