I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
