I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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