im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
