i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
