Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
