how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
