i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
