my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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