If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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