I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
