I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
