My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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