Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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