As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
