Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
