i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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