i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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