I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
