They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
