apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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