you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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