OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
