Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
