i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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