You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
