Someone shit on the floor
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there is puke in my bra ... again
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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