I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
