I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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