His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
