My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
