great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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