Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
