shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
