and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
