In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
