A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
