also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
