mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize