it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
