i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
