I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize