Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
