she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
