just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
