Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
