I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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