Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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