I skipped work to stalk him.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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